They Still Call It Football
Posted Sat, 10/31/2009 - 06:28 by Michael J Smith
Some people just make you believe in ancient mummy curses. Has Jay Cutler ever traveled in the Middle East? No, seriously. Has he? He seems like the kind of guy who might take a leak in burial crypt. That would piss me off if I was a mummy.
Posted Sun, 10/25/2009 - 06:43 by Michael J Smith
Everything we know is wrong. Even that statement is wrong. (Before you try to figure out how both of those statements could be true, just remember that two wrongs do not make a right, okay?) The NFL never loses its ability to mystify. Or nauseate. You’re up, you’re down, you’re throwing up in your mouth. A week later you’re eating cotton candy with Megan Fox on your arm. Okay, that was a dream sequence. The vomit? That was real.
Posted Sat, 10/10/2009 - 08:24 by Michael J Smith
I’m always puzzled when an NFL team or player is described as soft. I suppose there’s a sliding scale, even in professional football. Apparently, Tom Brady is a little too in touch with his feminine side.
Posted Tue, 09/29/2009 - 11:05 by Michael J Smith
We know it when we see it. Call it poise, sangfroid, the right stuff, moxie, gully, the shiznit. We have a thousand words for it and no words for it. It just is. Even more importantly, we know it when we don’t see it.
Posted Sun, 09/27/2009 - 03:17 by Michael J Smith
I realize that I part with victory far more easily than I do with loss. The wins are over by Tuesday, the pigskin euphoria overtaken by errands, commitments, workplace drama. The losses hurt right up until the next game. They are markers of mortality, omens of apocalypse, a numbness in your left arm. The rest of us cannot possibly imagine what it is like to be a fan of the Detroit Lions. The anticipation must be more delicious than a deep-fried hot fudge sundae.
Posted Sat, 09/19/2009 - 18:19 by Michael J Smith
Is luck real? Is there some ineffable, capricious pheromone of fate that attaches itself to some but stands apart from others? Following the opening weekend of the 2009 NFL season, I couldn’t help but wonder if it was something more than the residue of design or preparation colliding with opportunity. Seriously, did the Denver Broncos prepare for the season or careen headlong into it?
Posted Tue, 09/08/2009 - 18:34 by Michael J Smith
Public rhetoric and the 2008 Arizona Cardinals notwithstanding, there are actually a few teams that know they cannot win the Super Bowl this year. Still, it seems like there are about 30 teams talkin’ Tampa. How crazy is that? I’m not a psychiatrist (nor do I play one on TV) but that’s at least 50% crazy. Yes, I’m talking to you, NFC North.
Well, the dust has settled, mostly, and NFL rosters are set. Sort of. Whatever. It’s time to look ahead to the 2009 season.
Posted Mon, 08/31/2009 - 18:37 by Michael J Smith
Welcome to They Still Call It Football’s first annual Hateration issue! Why a Hateration issue? Well, as a Patriots fan, I’m looking forward to 2009 as it may be the first year for nearly a decade in which the Patriots will not be the most hated team in the NFL, and Tom Brady will not be the most hated player. (Are we bitter that haters in the blogosphere offered bounties on Brady’s knee for years and then it actually happened? Yes, yes we are.)
Posted Sun, 08/16/2009 - 19:59 by Michael J Smith
I’m sure Steelers fans and Colts fans and Chargers fans and Giants fans all feel like Patriots fans do. We can hardly wait for the regular season to start. Eagles and Ravens fans would like to debate my face with their fists for leaving their team off the list of mortal locks. Fans of upstarts like the Falcons are feeling pretty psyched, too. Wishful thinkers rooting for teams like the Texans and Saints point out that recent history tells us there will be six new teams in the playoffs this year. Chiefs fans? Please pinch yourselves now and remember that Belichick’s first year in New England the Patriots finished 5-9-0.
Posted Sun, 08/09/2009 - 21:19 by Michael J Smith
Favre is out (for now) and Vick is in (sort of). Tom Brady’s knee has already refused to comment on Tom Brady’s knee. As training camps open and the few remaining draft picks sign contracts, I am reminded once again that the Oakland Raiders took Darrius Heyward-Bey with the 7th pick in the draft. And all it took was $38.25 million dollars with $23.5 million guaranteed. It could’ve been worse. Actually, I take that back. I’m really not sure how this could’ve been worse. Some Pigskin Pundits and Bobbleheads rated Michael Crabtree the best wide receiver in the draft.
Posted Sun, 07/26/2009 - 14:35 by Michael J Smith
The NFL would like us to believe that every team in the league has a 1 in 32 chance to win the Super Bowl. Every year. That’s right. The Lions and the Raiders will vie for the Lombardi Trophy next February. It’s that "any given Sunday" thing. And maybe on this Sunday or that, the Raiders do beat the Steelers or Colts or Patriots; the Lions could beat the Giants or well, yeah I wouldn’t actually be surprised by a Detroit win over any other team in the NFC. Where was I? Oh, right. Any given Sunday. It’s a small data sample. That one in a million only has to be this one given Sunday out of a million given Sundays. After going 0 and 999,999, I suppose that 1 win would be mighty sweet. So, Lions fans have got that going for them.
Posted Mon, 07/13/2009 - 09:25 by Michael J Smith
The dead are with us always. They suffer or benefit from our narrow view of their reputation. We don’t know who they really were any more than we truly know the living, even those closest to us. We all have secrets. Some are trivial. Some would cost us friends, family and our livelihood if revealed. The dead have already left those things behind. They have taken with them all that they have; the dates that define the limits of their existence, their name, and a brief epigram. Loving Father.
Posted Sun, 07/05/2009 - 20:08 by Michael J Smith
I’m actually watching the NFL network’s "Greatest Game" series, reliving – at this particular moment – the 1970 Baltimore Colts season of redemption. I’ve got stories about third round draft picks being signed, the first PED suspension of the season, a Madoff-lite story of bilked investors that features several highly compensated individuals in the New Orleans Saints employ. Really? Shady business dealings? In New Orleans? Huh. Wait a minute. Drew Brees doesn’t have a financial advisor? These stories are my pigskin nicotine patch?
Posted Sun, 06/28/2009 - 21:30 by Michael J Smith
No, you haven’t been caught up in some Philip K. Dickian Martian Time-Slip. That calendar on the wall is correct, it’s still 2009. Despite this (or because of it – maybe we crossed the tipping point from "instant gratification" to "prescient gratification"), ESPN has named its Team of the Decade. Naturally, Tom Brady’s spot as QB of the Decade has attracted the attention of every young man living in his mother’s basement in the greater Indianapolis area. What? Peyton Manning isn’t the QB of the Naughts? Oh, the humanity!
Posted Tue, 06/23/2009 - 14:22 by Michael J Smith
Did any of us sign up for this?
Brett, Plax, Vick, Donte Stallworth, and Giselle’s baby bump.
It’s like a bad sports movie. Where is the funny fat guy?
Oh, wait. Artie Lange. Check. All we need now is the
place-kicker with a foreign accent and an obsessive-compulsive disorder.
Does that trope still work? Aren’t we ready for a lesbian place-kicker
in our football comedy movie? It’s like 2009 already.
Okay, okay. Bi-sexual. Big kiss with the misogynist tight
end that learns to love women who can kick a 47-yard game-winning field
goal after they win the Super Bowl. Someone get me Ari Gold’s
number! What? “Entourage” isn’t a documentary?
Okay, somebody get me Spielberg’s number!
Posted Mon, 06/15/2009 - 14:19 by Michael J Smith
I think we can all agree – even Channing Crowder and Rex
Ryan – NFL games are not
played in June. Can they be won? Practice is important,
isn’t it? At the very least, you start to see what the team
is going to look like coming out of that first mandatory mini-camp.
I mean, unless you’re the Cleveland
Browns, of course.
Posted Mon, 06/08/2009 - 14:12 by Michael J Smith
Is Peyton Manning really good with the changes in the coaching staff for
the Colts, or is this the kind of thing people say after an organizational
meeting designed to get everyone on
message? Coaches
good! Me good! All good! Sure, whatever.
Posted Sun, 05/31/2009 - 14:06 by Michael J Smith
Is it too early for everyone to start
hating on the Patriots? Probably not. Seriously, did Tom
Brady have to do his first interview with
Peter King? What if
Favre really does retire? Would Peter King writing about Tom Brady
every week draw the haters of the blogosphere into a singularity of
hate that would suck all the love out of the universe? I know.
It sounds crazy. At first…
Posted Wed, 04/29/2009 - 13:55 by Michael J Smith
Nobody can suck all the fun out of the
room like Bill Belichick. After weeks of anticipation, hundreds
of mock drafts, checking the highlight clips of “the next Mike Vrabel,”
tantalizing reports of trading up, Belichick did it again. Traded
down and then traded out of the first round. I suppose I really
should’ve seen this one coming. Leaking the trading up scenario
to Peter King? Yeah, I definitely should’ve seen this coming.
Posted Thu, 04/23/2009 - 13:46 by Michael J Smith
Woe is the Detroit Lions football franchise. First, they become the first perfectly imperfect team in NFL history, and now, they’re stuck with the #1 pick in the draft. What could the Ford family possibly have done in
a previous life to deserve this?
(Hey, say what you like about the tenets of National Socialism,
Dude, at least it’s an ethos.)
Posted Mon, 01/05/2009 - 04:09 by Michael J Smith
After the disappointing end to their once promising season, it’s hard to imagine any member of the Jets having the stones to call one of their teammates out. And yet, they have. Running back Thomas Jones has gone public with his thoughts. If he’d been the HC of the NYJ, he would’ve pulled Brett Favre because those 3 INT just killed any chance they had at winning. Jones did not comment on whether or not he would’ve pulled a starting running back for averaging 2.3 yards per carry, but later noted that if he had fumbled twice, he also should’ve been benched. For future reference.
Posted Thu, 01/01/2009 - 13:41 by Michael J Smith
It’s a hard and immutable judgment. Succeed or fail. No D-minus or B-plus. Twelve teams and their fans look to the future with hope; they are winners, successes. Twenty teams and their fans can bemoan the linear nature of time (and the failure of so-called "scientists" to develop a temporal flux capacitor), opportunities irretrievably lost, the cruelty of a seemingly godless universe. They are losers. Failures. And just like a B-movie, all we ask is that the villain die a suitable death; a death as devastating as the damage he has caused. I’m looking at you Eric Mangini!
Posted Sat, 12/27/2008 - 17:09 by Michael J Smith
Who, exactly, is the hero of this movie, anyway? Act II is almost over; we should know by now, shouldn’t we? I suppose we do know one thing by now. Logic will have nothing to do with the outcome.
Pigskin Musings…
Posted Tue, 12/16/2008 - 09:51 by Michael J Smith
Apparently, Bill Gates is packing. Warren Buffet will straight up strafe your ass. Or so I assume, based on the logic that if you got loot, you’ve got an inalienable right to conceal an unregistered firearm. Quite honestly, I don’t think there’s been enough Second Amendment hysteria in this story. Come on Republicans! I know you just got your ass handed to you and you’re all feelin’ Eeyore right now, but this is a 12-ounce filet, medium rare.
Posted Fri, 12/05/2008 - 17:01 by Michael J Smith
Every week in the NFL is like a roller coaster ride, with exhilarating highs, and horrifying lows, and just like the real thing, it often ends in vomit.
Posted Thu, 11/06/2008 - 18:02 by Michael J Smith
Can we believe our eyes any more? We really have no choice but acknowledge it. The Cincinnati Bengals have won a football game. You know, at times like these, we need a rock we can hold onto, something reliable, consistent, a marker, something tangible, ineluctable, something that tells us we’re not dreaming… Thank you, Detroit Lions!Quick Aside: I realize the title for this week’s edition of They Still Call It Football is my second use of the word ineluctable in as many weeks. And then I use it again in the lede.
Posted Thu, 10/30/2008 - 16:25 by Michael J Smith
This is This
I had always hoped Robert de Niro’s
line from “The Deer Hunter” would become a catch phrase, a sort
of Philosophy of the Ineluctable. This
is this. Unlike “It
is what it is,” it never captured the pop zeitgeist. I suppose
the pigskin version would be “You are what your record says you are.”
It’s a phrase that’s not particularly popular in San Diego right
now. There are some people who look at the 2-5-0 Chargers and see a team that is just a few plays and a bad call away
from being 7-0-0. Me? I see a team coached by Norv Turner.
Posted Thu, 10/23/2008 - 17:16 by Michael J Smith
If ignorance is bliss, why do I feel so anxious all the time? Speaking of ignorance, why isn’t there norance? I mean, the opposite of noble is ignoble, isn’t it? Ignorant. Norant. Did I miss something? Hey, what was that? Did you hear that? No, seriously. Shh! Listen… What is that?
These Things Might Be Things…
Posted Tue, 10/14/2008 - 18:31 by Michael J Smith
You may have heard that it isn’t the better team that wins; it’s the team that plays better. This is meant to be reassuring, I suppose. Maybe so, if you’re a Giants’ fan, but if you’re living in the greater Detroit area, does it provide anything more than cold comfort in these trying times of economic and pigskin disaster? And after last Sunday, you have to ask yourself, how badly do their opponents have to play for the Lions’ best to be good enough? Millen may be gone, but clearly, the Millen Era is far from over.
These Things Might Be Things…
Posted Thu, 10/09/2008 - 03:13 by Michael J Smith
In the colloquial speech of the modern NFL, Cardinals WR Anquan Boldin is out "with a face." Jets safety Eric Smith was suspended for a game and fined an additional 50 large on top of losing a game check.
