Yummy

I was sitting on the back step of the ambulance. The paramedics had my arm wrapped tighter than hell but at least I wasn't bleeding to death. The detective had finally gotten there. He was wearing a hat and a long tan coat, just like they do in the movies. He pulled a cigar out of his inside coat pocket and lit it.

"What happened to your arm?" He asked.

"She bit me. Took a chunk out of me just like she was eating an apple. Who're you," I asked, "Detective Columbo?"

"How'd you guess?"

"You've got to be kidding me."

"Nope. Did you set the house on fire?"

"Yeah, sure I did. Hope the bitch fries like an egg..."
It was pretty chaotic out on the street. Five fire trucks, two ambulances and half a dozen cop cars will tend to do that. The Detective took me to his car where it was at least a little quieter.

"So you admit you torched the house?" He asked.

"Sure, I done it."

"And the woman was still inside?"

"I sure as hell hope so."

'Columbo' consulted his notepad. He leafed through a few pages and then looked back at me.

"You're a cold son-of-a-bitch, boy. Mrs. Andrews was a seventy-nine year old grandmother. She just had hip replacement surgery for christ sake! What in the hell..."

"I know, that's why she hired me to dig up her flower bed. That's where I found the bones..."

"Bones? What bones?" The detective was thumbing through his notes again. "I don't see anything here about bones... what kind of bones?"

"I didn't tell the cops about it yet. It was a leg bone. A human leg bone."

"A human leg bone? Uh hu. How do you know it was a human leg bone?"

"Because it was attached to a human foot." I told him.

"And how do you know..."

"...it was a human foot?" I interrupted. "Because it was inside a fucking sneaker! Now unless dogs and cats are all of the sudden wearing size twelve high top Starters, I would say chances are pretty good it was a human leg and foot!"

"Starters? What's that?"

"That's the brand of sneaker that was on the severed leg."

"Never heard of them," he said

"They're cheap, you get 'em at Walmart."

"Oh. So what makes you think the old lady had anything to do with it? Why didn't you just take off and call the police?"

"I was in the back yard. It has a high fence all the way around it that attaches to both corners of the back of the house. When I found the bones, I ran for the gate but it was padlocked. That's when she hollered to me. I figured I had to make like nothing was wrong so I went to see what she wanted.

"I walked through the back door and into the kitchen and found her laying on the floor. She said she had fallen..."

"... and couldn't get up? That's a gas," he said.

"Yeah, I thought so too. Thought maybe I had her pegged all wrong. She looked pretty defenseless all sprawled out on the floor there. Vicious little bitch!"

"What happened next?" Columbo asked.

"Well, I went to help her up of course. She reached for my arm and about tore it out of its socket. Yanked me down on my knees, grabbed my arm with both her hands and started chomping. I was so stunned at first I couldn't even move, but I managed to break away when I fell on my ass. She just sat there chewing away, blood running down her chin and all over her dress... And what really got to me was she was talking with her mouth full."

"That's pretty rude. What did she say?"

"She said, I'm hungry, hungry for some food! Food in my tummy! I need food in my tummy! Yummy yummy! Food in my tummy!"

"You're kidding?"

"I wish I was, Detective. And if I'd had any doubts about how defenseless she was when I first saw her there on the floor, those thoughts vanished right quick when she came after me. She sprang up on her feet like a cat with it's tail on fire."

"What did you do then?"

"I screamed like a little girl! It must have startled her because she stopped in her tracks just long enough for me to get up off my ass and run towards the front door. Of course by then both my hands were covered with blood and I couldn't get a grip on the door-knob. Couldn't get the fucking thing open!

"I heard something thumping behind me and saw the crazy bitch coming after me. She was on all fours running like a dog, I swear she was! The only thing I could do is run up the stairs. So I did. I ran up the stairs and swung around the railing to the left and into the first room I came to. I pulled the door shut behind me and leaned against it, out of breath and bleeding like a stuck pig.

"The room was pretty dark. Heavy drapes were drawn across the windows but there were a few candles burning on a table next to me. I was just getting ready to make a run for the window when a gnarled old hand came smashing through the door right in front of my face. She reached through the door and wrapped her arm around my throat, trying to pull my head off, all the while chanting, HUNGRY FOR SOME FOOD! YUMMY YUMMY, FOOD IN MY TUMMY!"

"I grabbed a candle off the table and held it against her arm until her flesh started bubbling and she finally let me go. I could see her through the hole in the door, her back was to me. I flung the candle on the floor and ran to the window but couldn't get it open!"

"Painted shut, wasn't it?" Asked Columbo. "I hate when that happens."

"Me too. Ok, so now I'm really pissed. God damned bitch tried to eat may arm off, then tried to pull my head off and had me trapped in her bedroom. I turned away from the window and ran as hard as I could, smashing into the door. She was still standing right outside in the hallway. The door crashed into her and she went sailing over the railing. She fell in the foyer, right on her head. Broke her fucking neck. I could hear it snap all the way upstairs."

"Good god man! Must have killed her instantly!"

"No, Detective, I'm afraid not. Her body was face down, but her head was spun around backwards and she was looking right at me. She said, I HEAL REALLY FAST, AND I'M STILL HUNGRY FOR SOME FOOD!"

"Oh shit!" Said Columbo.

"Yeah, that's exactly what I said. Well the candle I threw on the floor had started a fire, and it was already raging behind me. Now I had to go out the front door. I could see she was having a little trouble recuperating and figured I could make it past her. There was another little table next to the front door. It had a table cloth on it, so I wiped the blood off my hands and was able to get the front door open."

"And that's it?"

"Pretty much. She called me a bastard on the way out."

"Why?"

"She said I ruined her table cloth. Said she'd get me for that."

About then someone knocked on the Detectives car window. He rolled it down. It was the fire chief.

"We got the fire out, Detective."

"Find anything inside?"

"Nope"

"No bodies?"

"No, no bodies."

I looked at Columbo.

"Do you think you could arrest me or something."

"Yeah, sure kid. I think we could do that for you."

"Good, good."

Someone else walked up to the car. It was a uniformed cop.

"Columbo, we found some bones in the back yard."

"Yeah, I know all about it."

"Oh, well ain't you something? Got it all figured out, do you?"

"Yeah, sure I guess."

"Well then who the hell is this old lady out here yelling about how hungry she is?" Asked the cop.

"Cuff her and throw her in a squad car. We're taking her downtown. And Officer?"

"Yeah?"

"Be careful, she bites."

"Yeah, sure she does," he said as he walked away.

"Just like that?" I asked. "You believe a crazy story like I just told you, Columbo?"

"Sure, I believe you. We run into this sort of thing all the time. I even carry silver bullets, and you should see the stuff I got in the trunk. Wooden stakes, holy water, crucifixes... "

"Silver bullets hu?"

"Yeah," he said, "You know, for werewolves."

"Oh, I see. You think that's what she was?" I asked.

"Naw, no way. I'm not sure what she is, I'll have to look it up when I get her downtown. You can go now."

"I can? But don't you want to measure the bite mark or anything? Maybe take some pictures?"

"Nope. We're just going to have to kill her anyway, it's not like we need evidence or anything. I mean, can you imagine us putting an eighty-year old lady on trial for eating people? We'd be laughed out of the courtroom. Don't worry about it, we'll take care of everything."

I got out of his car and as I did, he leaned over and said, "Be careful son, it's a crazy world out there..."

And then he drove away. I seemed a little woozy on my feet and I suddenly realized I was hungry. Shit, I hope that old lady didn't have anything contagious, I never was much of a meat lover...