Oscar’s Polite, Black, Gay Terrorists

Race, sex, sheep, journalists and terrorists. This year’s Oscars had it all. But with all those gay movies, there were even fewer good parts for women than in most years. Felicity Huffman had to play a guy to get nominated. At least, I think she was playing a guy. Maybe it was just a really ugly chick. Whatever. The women go ugly, the men go fat. Oscar me, baby! Oscar me hard!The Red Carpet
I was going to work E!’s pre-game activities with Ryan Seacrest, faux exotic Giuliana DePandi and Isaac "Thanks for the Mammaries" Mizrahi. This despite my anger at Mizrahi as Scarlett Johansson had decided not to attend the Oscar’s following the Golden Globes' grope. Mizrahi remains unrepentant. So, whose boobies will he pinch tonight?

And it seemed promising when Seacrest got the party started by touting E!’s exclusive Limo-Cam. Probably not as good as Freshman Dorm-Cam, but still, the lure of voyeurism provided a moment of excitement. He also informed us that Jessica Alba is not naked in Playboy and that ABC will allow the Three 6 Mafia to bust "bitches" when they perform the best song nom, "It’s Hard Out Here for a Pimp," from "Hustle and Flow." In exchange, Three 6 Mafia agreed to tone down some of the [radio edit] and the [radio edit]. Good to know it’s all about the art…

But shortly after Jennifer Jason Leigh and screenwriter husband Noah Baumbach, who penned "The Squid and the Whale," secured their status as B-List Icons by being the first to arrive on the Red Carpet, I was torn. I had to make a pitcher of martinis or get something to eat. In the interest of full disclosure, here’s everything we learned prior to making a run to the Yangtze for cashew chicken and the Buddha delight…

• Mariah "Glitter" Carey is making another movie, this time with some of the same people who had something to do with "Monster’s Ball," a movie where Halle Berry got naked and performed simulated sex acts with Billy Bob Thornton. Clearly, Carey’s co-star could make or break this project. I’m thinking Morgan Freeman.


• John Legend likes "Crash."


• Judging by Giuliana, it appears to be unseasonably cool in Cali, tonight. Hello Rangoon!


• Ludacris’ real name is Chris Bridges. Luda is momentarily thrown by the languid blonde grinding slowly behind two turntables and a microphone (as am I).


• Giuliana bought a present for Jon Stewart’s new baby that includes a warning on the package: Choking Hazards. That’s so sweet!

Around this point, I went out to pick up the Chinese food. By the time we were done eating it was already into the ABC pre-show.


The Show
I liked the animated art-deco intro with the eerie cut outs of stars and I loved the filmed "How I was picked to host the Oscars" bit. Every living host from past Oscars was in it. We got our first Brokeback joke right out of the gate (Billy Crystal & Chris Rock). Excellent Steve Martin/David Letterman and the kids bit (the white Steve Martin wig on the dog was a nice touch). Stewart is off to a good start…
8:06 – A "Death to Smoochy" reference for those wondering why Stewart is hosting.
8:10 – Only Jon Stewart could’ve told that "Schindler’s List"/"Munich" joke. We also get a Dick Cheney joke. And in a delightful turn of events for me, Cheney shoots Bjork.
8:12 – Riffing on how many Hollywood movies are remakes, Stewart notes that "Walk the Line" is "Ray" with white people. We get a shot of Jamie Foxx who apparently finds this quite humorous. No split screen to give us Joaquin Phoneix’s take…
8:16 – Nicole Kidman comes on to give Best Supporting Actor. She has a tedious intro to recite, one of those "One is a high functioning autistic, another is a midget standing on a box, another once starred on TV…" constructions. She looks good for her.
8:19 – Clooney cops the Oscar for "Syriana." Why is that music playing? I thought they only played the music when they spoke too long… Clooney makes two Batman jokes. He calls down Hattie McDaniel to testify. Who’s better than me? Er, us, I mean.
8:26 – Ben Stiller in a green unitard. He’s supposed to be a disembodied head. It’s like a majorly unfunny green screen joke. Didn’t Steve Miller do a joke like this like ten years ago? Best Special Effects goes to "King Kong." The annoying music plays again.
8:31 – Reese Witherspoon give Best Animation to "Wallace & Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit." The winners are wearing huge striped bow ties. They put small striped bow ties on their Oscars. Are these Oscars gay or what?
8:34 – Naomi Watts, wearing a dress you could picture on Courtney Love, introduces Dolly Parton singing "Travelin’ Thru," our first nominated song, from "Transamerica." Sweet Jesus, if you’re listenin’… Is Jesus watching the Oscars? He’s God and God’s omnipresent so I’m thinking He’s listening. Dolly gets everyone to clap along. Jack Nicholson and Keira Knightley clap. (God is watching.) It’s a transgender revival meeting! Hallelujah!
8:42 – A Scientology joke. (Jon pretends to be caught unawares as we return from commercial to find him giving an impassioned defense of Scientology.) The Wilson brothers give the Live Action Short to, oh, who cares? (If you do, we’ll give you a link to all the winners at the end.)
8:45-ish – Had to get some cookies. When I return, animated characters are giving Animated Short to again, who cares. The animated presenter thing has grown tedious. Or maybe it was just that old Donald-Duck-has-no-pants joke. That was a Robin Williams line, wasn’t it?
8:48 – Jennifer Aniston gives Best Costumes to "Memoirs of a Geisha." Winner Colleen Atwood looks botoxed to within an inch of her life and declaims her thank you’s with the rhythm of the last twenty kernels of popcorn popping in a microwave.
8:51 – Russell Crowe gets to intro a special clip-tage of bio-pics. I wonder if that finally puts the whole cell phone assault thing behind him. You won’t get a nomination for "Cinderella Man" see, and we’ll drop a Best Supporting on that scruffy little gnome Giamatti just to call attention to that, and you’ll do 15 minutes in the dunk tank at the company picnic and…
8:57 – Will Farrell & Steve Carell come out in horrible makeup to give Best Makeup to "Chronic-What?-cles of Narnia." Carell’s eyelashes were Wilma Rubble-esque.
9:02 – Rachel McAdams intros film clips from the scientific awards; Oscars given to the kind of people who aren’t beautiful enough to be in the same room with Nicole Kidman and George Clooney. McAdams was supposed to be featured on the cover of Vanity Fair with Keira Knightley and Scarlett Johansson but refused to pose when she arrived and found her wardrobe consisted of fingernail polish.
9:03 – Morgan Freeman comes out—without a tie—to award Best Supporting Actress. Rachel Weisz takes the prize. Astute event planners seated the hugely pregnant Weisz close to the stage. She takes the stairs without misstep. Phew! A near total buzz-kill averted.
9:12 – Lauren Bacall stumbles painfully through an intro to a tribute to film noir. "There were, uh, their films were a breakthrough, uh, break in style…" Roll film! Roll film!
9:16 – Which is followed by another filmed bit, a satire on the campaigning for Oscar, with Stephen Colbert voicing a Keira Knightley "acting while beautiful" ad and another faux ad with an older couple decrying all the foreign-named actresses touting Reese Witherspoon, Judi Dench in a bar fight, etc. It’s a funny bit, but doesn’t this show always run long?
9:18 – Defining pimp: "Sort of like an agent with a better hat." – Jon
9:19 – Terrence Howard give Best Documentary Short to, that’s right, I don’t care.
9:21 – It’s hard to believe, but Charlize Theron cannot find a dress that fits her properly. Don’t they have Tall & Gorgeous shops for women? I guess it’s a niche market. And what was that almost-as-big-as-her-head bow on her shoulder? My confusion is proof that I’m heterosexual, isn’t it? Anyway, she gives Best Documentary Feature to "March of the Penguins." The first French guy thanks us in Penguin, whistling into the mic. A second French guy makes a joke about all the people in tuxedoes reminding him of the movie. Did I mention they all brought large stuffed, plush toy penguins with them on stage?
9:24 – Jennifer Lopez intros a Best Song nom, "In The Deep" from Best Picture nom "Crash." There’s a fiery car on stage, but there are also interpretive dancers. And as everyone knows, interpretive dancers totally annihilate the cool of fire. Could it be that God is more omnipresent in some places than in others?
9:32 – Jon makes a joke about the musical number. More specifically, the interpretive dancers… Is the NSA spying on my laptop? Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves award Art Direction and Set Decoration to "Memoirs of a Geisha." What? Kong kill Japanese concubines!
9:36 – Samuel L. Jackson preaches to the assembled faithful. We get a clip-tage of social issues films.
9:41 – Some dude from the Academy tells the crowd that it’s all worth while. Only it takes him two minutes to do it. Two… precious … minutes…
9:44 – Salma Hayek… Where was I? Oh, right, Salma Hayek intros Itzak Perlman, who saws along to a medley from the nominated film scores. She gives Best Score to "Brokeback Mountain."
9:56 – Jake Gyllenhaal intros a tribute to big screen movies.
9:59 – "I can’t wait till later when we see Oscar’s tribute to montages." – Jon
10:00 – Jessica Alba and Eric Bana present Sound Mixing to "King Kong." If Alba and Bana had a child together, would it be made of pure light?
10:03 – Lily Tomlin and Meryl Streep intro a tribute to Robert Altman by doing Altman; improving, with overlapping lines of dialog… Life is many things at once…
10:10 – Altman is greeted by a standing ovation as he is presented with his honorary Oscar. Altman is smart and funny and warns them that his heart transplant means he’ll be due for another honorary Oscar in about forty years.
10:18 – Ludacris presents the pimp song. Three 6 Mafia struggle to overcome the interpretive dancers who apparently were hired for the night. ABC bleeps "bitches." I start to wonder about Ryan Seacrest’s journalistic cred.
10:22 – Queen Latifah follows up with the presentation of Best Song to "Hustle and Flow" for that pimp song… Three 6 remembers to thank Jesus…
10:25 – Jon imagines Three 6 and Itzak Perlman’s posse gettin’ into it back stage. (Jon hits the interpretive dancers again, too.) Jon wonders aloud why the Three 6 Mafia appear to be the only ones having fun tonight. He has watched previous Oscar telecasts, hasn’t he?
10:27 – New mom Jennifer Garner almost falls on her ass walking to the presenter’s podium. She has breasts for the first time in her life; maybe they threw her off balance. Anyway, she gives Sound Editing to "King Kong."
10:30 – Clooney gets to intro the dead. Pat Morita, Vincent Schiavelli, John Fiedler, Tony Franciosa, Chris Penn, Shelley Winters, Anne Bancroft, Eddie Albert, Robert Wise, and Richard Pryor—among many others—went ghost like Swayze last year.
10:37 – Will Smith presents Best Foreign Film. He jokingly welcomes everyone else on the planet. Well, the rest of the planet that speaks German, French or Spanglish, anyway. A film from South Africa wins.
10:41 – "For those of you keeping score at home. Martin Scorsese, 0 Oscars; Three 6 Mafia, 1." – Jon
10:42 – That geisha I’ve been hearing so much about presents Film Editing to "Crash."
10:44 – Hillary Swank! We might be getting to—yes! She presents Best Actor to Philip Seymour Hoffman for "Capote." (He’ll always be Dusty in "Twister" to me.) He gives a shout out to his mom. And another shout out to mom. And another. Just as it’s starting to get a little creepy, he leaves.
10:55 – John Travolta gives Best Cinematography to "Memoirs of a Geisha."
10:57 – Jamie Foxx! Must be Best Actress! Yes! Jamie gives the Oscar to Reese Witherspoon for "Walk the Line." She gives an old-time, Hollywood heart-tugger of an acceptance speech.
11:07 – Dustin Hoffman is walkin’ here! He’s walkin’ here! And he’s presenting Best Adapted Screenplay to "Brokeback Mountain." Certified coot Larry McMurtry is wearing worn jeans with his tuxedo jacket. McMurtry thanks his lawyers and bookstores.
11:12 – Uma Thurman presents Best Original Screenplay to "Crash." I think the winners were quoting from "Hair." Especially people who care about strangers… (Jon makes a crack about McMurtry’s jeans.)
11:19 – Tom Hanks hands over Best Director to Ang Lee for "Brokeback Mountain." Ang thanks everyone.
11:22 – Nicholson! It’s got to be—it is! Best Picture! The Oscar goes to… [Drum Roll… No seriously, they had a drum roll…] "Crash!" I guess the gay vote split on "Capote" and "Brokeback," while "Crash" took the black vote…


Hottest List
No real train wrecks to report on, and on the plus side, it was basically Jessica Alba and everyone else…

• Jessica Alba – Gurg… (Sorry I couldn’t find a picture of the Oscar dress, but I know you were probably more interested in the Playboy cover, anyway.)


• Salma Hayek – Looked almost illegal in an electric blue off the shoulder number.


• Michelle Williams – Not that Heath Ledger wouldn’t totally kick my ass. Color, cut and accessories—all good.


• Uma Thurman – Yeow! I’m not a big Uma fan, but girlfriend was rockin’ the Oscars in a champagne gown.


• Reese Witherspoon – But sometimes I get this Barbie thing going on in my head and that’s just not a place I want to be.


• Jennifer Lopez – No Barbie connection here. Well, except for that tiny French maid’s outfit. Then again, that tiny French maid’s outfit transcends context.


• Keira Knightley – Because I remember how good she looked when she was on The Daily Show. Not that the dress was terrible. I guess I just can’t get that clingy red number she wore on The Daily out of my head.


• Naomi Watts – Because I remember how good she looked in King Kong. Seriously, she doesn’t have one friend who would say, "Girlfriend, that dress is fugly!"? Not one? Evidently, not.

To review the curriculum vitae of the fine actresses listed above, visit www.imbd.com.


And the Award for Gayest Cowboy on the Planet goes to…
It's easy to forget just how good Charleton Heston looked without a shirt, isn't it?


Après Oscar
Was the "Crash" win an upset? Given the ensemble cast win at the SAG awards, it wasn’t much of a surprise to me (actors make up the largest segment of Oscar voters). True, Best Director and Best Picture often go hand in hand, but if there was anything truly significant in the night’s festivities, it was the nominees for Best Pic, themselves, rather than the winners. The list looked more Sundance than Oscar. And while the participants annually ask us to believe this is all about excellence in film-making and not box office, it did seem like this year’s show wasn’t show business, but was in fact, show art. Even "Munich," despite the Spielberg imprimatur, is more Indie than Studio.
Maybe Clooney was right to celebrate the fact the Academy awarded an Oscar to Hattie McDaniel decades before the civil rights movement and that Hollywood makes movies like "Syriana" as well as "Saw II."
Maybe someday "Brokeback Mountain" will be described as a "love story" rather than a "gay cowboy movie."
Maybe someday people will understand the message of "Munich"—that violence kills the soul of the killer as surely as it kills the body of the victim.
And maybe someday these movies will play for more than a few days in the multiplexes in Lawrence, Kansas.
Maybe.

~March 5-6, 2006