Bad Day at The Office

Frank hopped into the den barely able to stand on his remaining foot. Safe at home at last, he collapsed in a heap as his mate hovered over him.

"Oh my, Honey! What happened to you?"

"I swear, pumpkin, it's getting harder and harder to make an honest living now days..."
A puddle of greenish, brown liquid was pooling around Frank as he propped himself up on his elbow.

"Where's dinner? You were supposed to bring home dinner tonight, Frank!"

"Are you blind woman! Can't you see I ran into a little trouble on the way home?"

"Well... yes I can see that! But you've been shot before, don't be such a baby."

"Baby? Baby? I've got seven bullet holes in me! And did you see my foot?"

"Sure, I can see it plain as day."

"No, I mean the other one."

"Oh. No, I haven't seen it, where did you leave it this time?"

"That old woman down on fifth street blew it off with a shotgun, that's where it is!"

"Damn it, Frank! I told you to leave those old widows alone. They have nothing better to do than sit around all day cleaning their weapons, just waiting to be attacked. Besides, I told you I wanted a child for dinner tonight."

"I know, I know, I was kind of looking forward to it myself. That's what happened to my eye."

"Something happened to your eye?"

"You mean you didn't notice that either, woman?"

"Well, you have five eyes for christ sake! How the hell should I know if one's missing!"

"He sprayed something in it. It hurt something awful and then it was gone."

"What was gone?"

"My Eye! It melted!"

"Well you poor thing! Here, do you want one of mine, Frank?"

"No, It should grow back in a few weeks."

"What about your foot?"

"That'll take a bit longer."

"How long, Frank?"

"Oh, I duno, but I doubt it will be any time soon."

"So what are you saying? You don't expect me to go out and get dinner do you?"

"Honey, I'm practically dying here! I'm bleeding all over the place!"

"Yeah, the least you could have done is fallen down outside the cave, look at the mess you're making. So where did all the bullet holes come from?"

"Well, after the young child melted my eye with that nasty spray, I ran. I kept running for a while, you know? I mean, I think he was actually chasing me!"

"Really? These young kids today sure are aggressive aren't they? Must be all the violence they're subjected to by their parents."

"Yeah, that would be my guess too, pumpkin. Anyway, I was running through the park down by the river, you know where I mean?"

"Sure, sure, I been there. Killed an old dog there once."

"Dog? You've got to be kidding me?"

"I was hungry damn it! It was just a snack. It's not like I enjoyed it or anything. Me and the girls were just having a little fun. So, what happened next?"

"Well, I came up on this young woman jogging through the park."

"How come you didn't bring her home for dinner instead?"

"That's what I'm trying to tell you damn it! The bitch shot the hell out of me!"

"Really? What kind of gun was it?"

"It was a nice one, a nine millimeter I think."

"Where the hell was she carrying a nine millimeter? You did say she was jogging didn't you?"

"The devious little whore had it hidden in the baby carriage!"

"Wow, that's harsh! She was out jogging with her baby and had a gun hidden in the carriage. And you didn't get the baby either?"

"Good god no! She shot me ten times!"

"Now, Frank, you said she only got you seven times. Which is it?"

"Seven, ten, what's the difference? I did get this though."

"Oh, nice baby blanket, Frank. Maybe we can spread a little grass and dirt in it and have a nice earthy blanket sandwich."

"Ok, now you're pissing me off woman. You think being a monster is getting any easier? Kids with something called mace. Old ladies with shotguns, women with guns hidden in baby carriages. Next thing you know, they'll be hunting us instead of the other way around. What's this world coming to?"

"Ah, I'm sorry, Frank. Maybe I was a little hard on you. You just lay there and heal for a while, grow a new foot while you're sitting on your ass. I'll go out and kill us something for dinner."

"Don't put yourself out on my account, Babes. It wouldn't hurt for me to go a week or two without eating. I guess I'm just slowing down a bit in my old age."

"No kidding. Would you like rabbit or squirrel?"

"If I could just loose a few pounds..."

"Or how about a nice sirloin, it'll be easy for you to chew. I'll rip it right out of a deer for you. I'll bring it home still warm and bleeding, how would that be?"

"I'd rather have a human, but I'm really not that picky tonight."

"I'll see what I can scrounge up, Frank."

"You're a Goddess, Honey."

"Yeah, sure, I guess..."