2002 NFL Conference Semis

George Will, political commentator for ABC News, has weighed in on the Strahan/Farve sack controversy, taking the position that these shenanigans imperil the "moral seriousness" of sports. Will went on to name several other examples—some a century old—of such perfidy. (I’ll be interested to see if he takes a similarly hard line when the "Enrongate" indictments start coming down.) In my Doppler view of the really real world, Brett Farve has a better sense of what’s right or wrong for the sport of football than some Poindexter in a bow tie, but who knows? (The Pope makes statements about sex, and when’s the last time he got laid?) I see this as more of an "old school" moment, anyway. They say Al Downing grooved one to The Hammer when he was sitting on 714. I say Downing knew what was good for the game. Throwing junk up there would have been disrespectful, both to Aaron, and the game of baseball itself. So he gave him the hard cheese. First ball, fast ball. It’s The Code. Of course, the Strahan/Farve scenario is quite different in detail, but the gestalt—for me—is the same. We are a documented society. Now, Strahan’s season, arguably one of the greatest ever for a defensive lineman, bears the statistical imprimatur necessary to certify it. The important distinction in both examples is that they are season or career records compared to single-game records. If this was a single-game record, I think I’d have a problem with it. I can’t imagine Strahan lying down so Farve could throw an 8th touchdown pass to break the single-game record, which gives me reason to think twice about my "old school" rationale, above. Oh well. Far be it from me to besmirch the single-season sack record, but I don’t think that anyone besides Michael Strahan or Mark Gastineau really cares. Besides, Farve says he didn’t take a dive.

As for the "moral seriousness" of sports, I can only ask, "What you talkin’ ‘bout, George Will?"

After one year in DC coaching Washington, Marty Schottenheimer has been notified that Daniel Snyder is seeking a divorce citing irreconcilable differences. With all the pictures of Snyder and Steve Spurrier having late night "conversations," not to mention their rendezvous after the Orange Bowl, Schottenheimer should receive a generous settlement when the divorce is finalized. A lot of coaches in their first year with a new team might think that going 8-3 over their last eleven games demonstrates that things are moving in the right direction. A lot of wives probably think fourteen years of patience and devotion and all those hours at the gym getting back in shape after having two kids are worth something, too. Sorry, babe. You can get blonder, but you can’t get less familiar, no matter how much time you spend on the Life Strider.

And it’s the same with the owners of football teams and their coaches, too.

Following G-Dub’s brush with death this weekend, I’m forced to question The Wife’s motivations when she stocked up on "Big Al’s Olde Tyme Pretzels" for the playoffs. "They’re fat free!" she trilled when she pulled them out of the grocery bag, demonstrating her great concern for my health through patriotic consumerism. Now I know that while they may be fat free, they also may cause asphyxiation and—potentially—death (if you aren’t lucky enough to be bracketed by alert Secret Service agents, at all time).

Hey! Salsa is fat free, too!

Before we get to this week’s round of games, let’s see how last week’s predictions fared…

AFC Wild-Card Round

New York Jets vs. Oakland Raiders – The Battle of the Bipolar Quarterbacks

Who Should Win: Raiders

Who Will Win: J-E-T-S, Jets, Jets, Jets!

Who Did Win: Raiders

I guess we now know just how good John Abraham is. Abraham spent the game in the locker room, puking his guts out, as did numerous residents of the five boroughs, many of whom I’m sure thought it would be the Jets defense giving Rich Gannon the flu-like symptoms. It was not to be. I was wrong on the Rice-Martin call. I knew it would be one of them (which is some consolation) but went, of course, with the redoubtable Martin.

Baltimore Ravens vs. Miami Dolphins – The Laura Palmer Bowl

Who Should Win: Ravens

Who Will Win: ‘Phins

Who Did Win: Ravens

I’m still baffled by this one. Two huge drives of 90 and 99 yards for touchdowns, or as my son put it: "I saw the Ravens pimp-slap the Dolphins." Grbac looks like a little kid who’s about to cry after getting pushed down by the recess bully for the 88th day in a row, even when he’s up by two touchdowns. Like I say, I’m baffled… Okay, Chambers and Gadsden were out, and Fiedler’s teammates seemed to play like they knew something he didn’t ("Jay, man, didn’t you hear? You’re gone, dude. They’re replacing you with some guy with multiple-concussion syndrome. That’s cold, man.")

Quick Aside #1: If I ever blow out a knee, I want the guy who rebuilt both of Terry Allen’s knees to work on me.

Quick Aside #2: I did a little looking, after wondering aloud last week if "The Troy Aikman Face" was yet in the public domain. I found nothing definitive, but I believe the credit for TTAF goes to Bill Simmons, The Sports Guy on ESPN.com’s "Page 2." (Additional indirect evidence in his frequent use of "The Derek Lowe Face.") Credit where credit is due…

NFC Wild-Card Round

Tampa Bay Buccaneers vs. Philadelphia Eagles – The Déjà vu Bowl

Who Should Win: Eagles

Who Will Win: Bucs

Who Did Win: Eagles

My Philly friend (let’s call him "Bob") and I can continue dreaming of an Eagles-Patriots Super Bowl, a thought which I am sure strikes fear into the hearts of executives at Fox and marketing vice presidents at every major ad agency. Would anyone west of Ohio watch that game?

Quick Aside #3: Saw an Instant Poll on CNNSI.com asking surfniks which of the four games this week is most "interesting." Not surprisingly, the Raiders-Patriots game finished fourth of four (Packers-Rams finished first).

San Francisco 49ers vs. Green Bay Packers – Farve Factor

Who Should Win: Packers

Who Will Win: Packers

Who Did Win: Packers

What can I say? I took my daughter to see "Jimmy Neutron" and missed this one entirely, so, this is pretty much a box score review… Hmm… Looks like Farve was Farve… Terrell Owens only had 40 yards? Hearst rushed for just 42 yards? Certainly not the shootout I was looking for…

Ouch! A feeble 1-3 predicting who will win; an impressive 4-0 predicting who should win. I guess I’m a pessimist, after all.

As for the Semis…

AFC Semi-Finals

Baltimore Ravens vs. Pittsburgh Steelers – The Familiarity Breeds Contempt Bowl

I’m going to go out on a limb—way out—and predict a minimum of five personal fouls in this one. I’ll also predict at least one bar fight that results in a blazing inferno. What is it about the AFC Central? This is a tough one to call, because I have not seen a single Steelers’ game this year. Oh sure, I’ve seen the highlights of Jerome Bettis plowing through an entire secondary on ESPN, or sitting out with a groin pull while some other Steeler RB careens through opposing DBs the last couple of weeks, but I don’t have a great feeling for the Steelers. People tell me Kordell Stewart can play QB, now. And the Steelers defense is supposed to be seriously unpleasant again. The Ravens will have to keep running the ball like they did against Miami, and more. After all, unlike Fiedler, Stewart will have his first-string wide receivers in the game. Ultimately, the playoffs prove who can run the ball, who can stop the run, and just how many posers there are at QB in the NFL. Okay, that’s harsh, and every one of those guys could beat me up, too, just like Jim Everett beat up Jim Rome back in ‘94. While we’re here: Isn’t it a pisser that Sterling Sharpe is as good as he says he is?

Who Should Win: Steelers

Who cares if I’ve never seen these teams for more than seven seconds at a time; it’s the numbers that count! Looking at the numbers, the Steelers are better than the Ravens, even when it comes to defense. And the Ravens defense will be facing a much better offensive unit in the Steelers, than the Steelers defense will face in the Ravens offense. Maybe this is a better yardstick: You’re back in Junior High—in PE class—and because it’s raining, you’re in the gym picking teams for murder-ball, um, I mean dodge-ball. Elvis Grbac and Kordell Stewart are the captains. Are you thinking "Pick me, Elvis, pick me!"?

Who Will Win: Steelers

They’re at home, playing against a team that they seriously hate and rightly identified as the "leads through" team (as in "the road to the Super Bowl leads through"). Given the way they played on the road against Baltimore in their second regular season meeting, it may not even be close. The fly in Andre Delambre’s teleportation device might be Chris Brown, the Steelers place-kicker, who single-handedly snatched defeat from the jaws of victory in the first regular season meeting between these two teams. I’m surprised that Cowher didn’t bite off and eat Brown’s right foot after that game, because "you’re not using it for anything."

Oakland Raiders vs. New England Patriots – The Chowdah Bowl

You don’t mess with a streak. For six weeks, I have sat down to watch the Patriots with a nice, cold Red Hook ESB in my hand, and six times the Pats have come up with the W. It took three to beat the Saints, and four of them to beat the Jets, three each for Buffalo and Miami, but just two for Carolina. (I had to go in to work during the Cleveland game, but I had The Wife take one out of the fridge and leave it on the sideboard, with instructions to open it and pour it down the sink if the Patriots fell behind.) There have been variations in snack foods (popcorn, chips, and yes, those disconcerting pretzels), but there has always been the beer. I wouldn’t say that ESB is my absolute favorite beer (though it’s good). I don’t know if I really have an absolute favorite. I guess I cycle through my favorites depending on what’s on sale down at the Grover’s Corners’ Market Place. It could’ve been Sam Adams Golden Pilsner or Amstel Light. Too bad it wasn’t Harp. But you don’t mess with a streak. God is in the details, and the ESB will be in the fridge and chillin’ come Saturday.

Who Should Win: Patriots

The Raiders got the monkey off their back with the win over the Jets, plus, they’re flying cross-country on a short week, and Rich Gannon’s QB Rating is 65.2 on a short week. I made that stat up, but I’d grab at any straw—statistical or otherwise—for this one. You know the stuff. You hear it and you think, ever hopeful, "Somehow, these numbers must mean something!" I can almost hear Andrea Kremer in a pre-game stand up from the sidelines, the frostbite pinking up on her cheeks: "The Raiders are a red-hot 11 and 1 all-time in playoff games following a drug-related suspension, but an ice-cold 2 and 10 in the games the following week, and a sub-zero O and 3 when those games are played in the Eastern time zone. Back to you, Mark."

Who Will Win: Patriots!

Insane people—insane but hardy people—of Irish and Greek descent will sit on the metal benches of Foxboro Stadium in seasonably freezing weather and shout in unintelligible but clearly threatening tones at the visitors from Oakland. They will howl with atavistic delight as Tebucky Jones separates Charlie Garner from the ball, his head, and all four limbs, and as Roman Phifer picks up Garner’s right arm—still cradling the football—and runs it into the end zone. They will jump up and down and hug and kiss their neighbors in unrepressed joy as Troy Brown returns a punt for a touchdown. "Number 1! Whoo! Number 1!" they will scream into the camera, blood running down the left temple and cheek from a little good-natured fun with their buddy Al from Dorchester. Can it get any better than this?

NFC Semi-Finals

Philadelphia Eagles vs. Chicago Bears – The Marty Stouffer Bowl

Bednarek vs. Butkus. Did they ever play against each other? No. Anyway, these are your classic "storied franchises returned to glory." I shudder to think of the day when Philadelphia decides to update their uniforms. No doubt, they will put an eagle on their helmets, but it is also doubtless that it will be dull and unimaginative; something bland and roughly triangular like the Washington Capitals logo. Would it help if the eagle had crazed Woody Woodpecker eyes, a cock-eyed helmet, and a football clutched in its talons? Probably not. Anyway, I think the over/under for points scored in this game is 5. Basically, one of these teams—somehow—scores a field goal. Late in the fourth, they have their punter run around and out of their own end-zone for a safety, rather than risk giving their opponent a chance to block the kick or get good field position. And they win, 3-2. If the viewing pubic is lucky, perhaps we will get a replay of the Fog Bowl (1988, against these very same Eagles!).

Who Should Win: Bears

Home field is supposed to be worth a field goal, so I guess that means the Bears win. Plus, they are the NFC’s Cinderella Team, and that means they get to go to the ball, right? They have a solid running game. Unless they fall behind early, that and the defense should be enough. In fact, the Bears could win 10-2, if the defense scores a touchdown.

Who Will Win: Eagles

McNabb will be the difference. In a close, defensive battle, a game will often turn on a big play. McNabb to Thrash looks like the only thing in this game that qualifies as having big play potential. Following the Eagles victory, my friend Bob will begin sending me "evidence" supporting his cockeyed notion that the Eagles can beat the Rams. I had a brother-in-law who wound up in the emergency room after the first half of one of the Bills’ Super Bowls. I fear a similar end awaits Bob.

Green Bay Packers vs. St. Louis Rams – The MVP Bowl

Before this whole magilla got started, the Rams were installed as the prohibitive favorites to win it all. It was their Super Bowl to lose. In fact, most commentators agreed that it would take a major choke on the part of the Rams for the Rams to lose. I don’t picture that happening, but the Packers’ defense is good enough to make it look like its happening. If they were playing on Lambeau Field (they aren’t). But there’s no dog in Farve, so it should be fun well into the fourth quarter. I like the vertical game the Rams play, but somehow, it’s hard for me to root for a dome team. St. Louis, Minnesota, Atlanta; there’s just something strange about them. And couldn’t the Silverdome be on the Moon for all we know? Okay, the gravity differential would’ve been a definite giveaway. But they’re all kind of like the pods in "Invasion of the Body Snatchers." I can’t justify it, I can’t prove it, but I can’t rationalize these feelings away, either…

Who Should Win: Rams

The best offense in the universe, Super Bowl champs just two years ago, the lock on the MVP award; what’s not to like? The Packers will score points, but the Rams will score more. With all the touchdowns and TV timeouts early in the game, we should get a fourth quarter with fewer of those double commercial breaks around kick-offs, and better flow to the game as it goes on (as if this match up needed more juice). Warner and Farve going vertical; Faulk and Green ripping long runs up the middle on draws and delays. Would it be possible for the over/under for points on this game to be 100?

Who Will Win: Rams

It’s the Greatest Show on Earth! (When are Ringling Brothers and Barnum & Bailey going to sue for copyright infringement?) The fly in Seth Brundle’s transporter may be Kurt Warner. How many guys get worse on the week off? Now he’s sick with stomach flu. "He’ll be fine," Mike Martz offers, apparently amused at the idea of discussing another man’s diarrhea on national television. (Meanwhile, thousands of bookies heave a collective sigh of relief.) Somebody on the Rams is bound to set some kind of playoff single-game record; receptions, yards, touchdowns, something.

Looking ahead, here’s The Mike’s call:

AFC
 
 
 

NFC
 

Wild-Card

Semifinals

Conference Finals

Super
Bowl

Conference Finals

Semifinals

Wild-Card

NY Jets vs. Oakland Raiders
 
 
 
 
 

Tampa Bay Bucs vs. Phil. Eagles

Oakland Raiders vs. NE Patriots
 
 
 

Phil. Eagles vs.
Chicago Bears
 

NE Patriots vs. Pittsburgh Steelers

NE Patriots vs. St. Louis Rams

Green Bay Packers vs. St. Louis Rams
 
 

Baltimore Ravens vs. Pittsburgh Steelers
 
 
 

Green Bay Packers vs. St. Louis Rams
 

Baltimore Ravens vs. Miami Dolphins
 
 
 
 
 

San Fran. 49ers vs. Green Bay Packers

Predictions provided for entertainment purposes only, please, no wagering…

Author’s Note:

Was there ever a more literal fly in the ointment than in "The Fly?" In some ways, I prefer the 1958 original (featuring David Hedison as Andre Delambre, the doomed scientist, and Vincent Price as his effete brother Francois) to Cronenberg’s 1986 remake (with creepy Jeff Goldberg very believable as the acid vomiting scientist, and Geena Davis as his very afraid girlfriend). Maybe it’s the giant fly-head.