Two Cooks, Two Kooks

Here's a little experimental story. I had to write something on short notice, so it's not very long. This story contains only dialog. It's not really horror, but it is a bit gruesome. A funny sort of gruesome maybe. Of course, I have a funny sort of sense of humor too... Enough of this banter! Read it or not, the choice is yours...

Two Cooks, Two Kooks

"Hi Sam, so what we got here?"

"The two cooks had a disagreement. Looks like a fight to the finish."

"I can see that. Man, this kitchen is a mess. My wife would have a fit if I left our kitchen looking like this."

"Oh? You do the cookin' Frank?"

"Certainly. Don't you cook Sam?"

"Nope. My wife does all the cooking in our house."

"Is that why you're so skinny?"

"Very funny Frank."

"Ok Sam. Let's have a look at the first body."

"Wow."

"What Sam?"

"Chicken Alfredo."

"What?"

"That's what they were cooking. It's my favorite."

"Does Sally cook that for you Sam?"

"Nope."

"Look at this Sam. Looks like he got his hand deep fried. Skins all bubbled up and red..."

"Wow."

"Now what Sam?"

"Lobster Nuremberg."

"Your other favorite?"

"Yes, my favorite French food."

"It's German Sam."

"Right. I knew that."

"I know you did. Look, he's missing a few fingers on the other hand."

"Yup, they're right up here on the chopping block. Two of them."

"Two? He's missing three fingers Sam."

"Well. There's only two here. I'll make a note of it. Hey Frank? What's them funny marks on his forehead?"

"Meat tenderizer."

"What's that, some kind of seasoning?"

"No Sam, it's like a mallet with a whole bunch of sharp, pointed spikes sticking out of it. You beat the meat with it to break down the muscle structure, makes the meat more tender."

"Sounds painful Frank."

"I'm sure it was for him. Let's see here, got a few stab wounds I see..."

"How many Frank?"

"Off hand, I would say about thirty, hard to tell with all this blood."

"Hey! I found the missing finger Frank. It fell off onto this plate of French fries. Didn't see it at first with all the ketchup on it. Oh, that's not ketchup."

"Sam. Did you see this?"

"Yeah Frank, it's a knife sticking out of his chest."

"No, not that, I mean did you notice it was a Chicago Cutlery filet knife? That's just like the one I was telling you about that Betty got me for my birthday."

"That's a real nice one Frank."

"Thanks. Ok, I've seen enough of this one, where's the other one Sam."

"The other stiffs over here."

"Sam! You know we aren't supposed to talk about them that way."

"Well he is stiff Frank, he's half in the freezer!"

"Oh. Ok Sam. Hey! That's nice!"

"What's that Frank?"

"It's a Jen Air, commercial grade, sub zero freezer! I wish I had room for one of them babies at my house."

"Kinda' big ain't it Frank?"

"Probably so, but they make smaller ones."

"Yeah?"

"Sure do. Now let's have a look at dead cook number two... damn! His whole hand is gone!"

"Really?"

"Yup. Looks like it was torn off, the skin is all ragged and chewed up."

"Hey Frank?"

"Yeah?"

"This look like fresh ground beef to you?"

"Where?"

"Right here, under this meat grinder. Wait, that looks like a fingernail. Oh, I found his hand Frank!"

"He's missing an eye too."

"Hey, wait! I seen that somewhere. Oh yeah! It's sticking on that big toothpick over on the griddle."

"That's not a toothpick Sam. It's a skewer. You barbecue meat on the grill with them. Hmm... there's a big indentation in this ones forehead. Looks like he got hit with a..."

"Frank. There's blood all over this rolling pin."

"...rolling pin. That would be my guess."

"And half his face seems to be missing too Sam. Sliced clean off. Hmm. What did he use to do that?"

"Looks like fresh sliced turkey on the meat slicer Frank. Man! I'm getting hungry!"

"Turkey? Meat slicer? Oh! That's where his face went! How did these two guys do so much damage to each other before they died I wonder?"

"How many stab wounds does that one have Frank?"

"Bout the same Sam. Thirty or forty."

"Wait a sec Frank. Here's something I didn't notice before."

"What Sam?"

"In the blender."

"Let me see."

"Hmm. What do you think Frank? You're the expert."

"Uh huh. Looks like a Smoothie to me."

"What's a smoothie Frank?"

"Fruit, yogurt, ice, maybe a raw egg or some wheat germ..."

"Looks disgusting! Specially with that ear floating in it."

"Oh! I didn't notice that. It's a good looking ear though Sam. Mine are like, sagging and floppy. I'm getting old I guess."

"Me too Frank."

"Ahem..."

"Oh! Hi sergeant! Didn't hear you come in. Tag 'em and bag 'em. We're finished here, right Frank?"

"Yeah, sure, I guess. Man, all this food every where, my stomach thinks my throats been cut."

"Still hungry Sam?"

"Sure am Frank."

"Why don't you come on home with me for lunch then? I'll fix us both some nice big turkey sandwiches. Sound good?"

"Sure does! I could eat the butt hole out of a bullfrog."

"I don't have any of those Sam. But I do have some frog legs."

"Yeah? I never had none of those. Hey Frank?"

"Uh huh?"

"Your ears don't flop around that much."

"No?"

"Nah..."

"Thanks Sam."

"No problem Frank..."