Vaporous Apparitions

    Why don't you ever hear any good ghost stories? I don't mean ghost stories that are good stories. I mean ghost stories about good ghosts. I suppose there are some out there. Good ghosts I mean. Like the ghost truck driver who changes the old lady's tire, only when she describes him to friends, she finds out he was killed in an accident ten years ago.    I would like to think that ghosts would be more friendly than their reputation suggests. I mean, every dead person doesn't get the chance to come back as a ghost do they? Why wouldn't they make the best of it instead of making a pest of themselves? I wonder how a ghost thinks about that anyway...

    Do they know they are dead or not? You hear that ghosts don't appear to know that they are dead, and that is why they are wandering around like lost souls. How can they not know they are dead? Do they forget how they died? Do they think they have always been able to walk through walls and locked doors? Sure, they must feel somewhat out of touch with reality, but why does that make them so angry?

    All ghosts are not angry though. At least that would explain why they torture those of us who are still among the living. I mean ghosts can get practical jokes down to an art in short order. You know, like stacking chairs and opening drawers and such. I would be much more devious than that if I were dead though. Like exchanging salt for sugar in the sugar bowl, and switching labels on the vegetable cans in the pantry. Harmless more or less.

    I wonder if ghosts scare each other. Or even if ghosts can get scared at all. Or if maybe live humans scare ghosts. Good questions, all of them! I also wonder why live people love to get scared at horror movies, and pay for it to boot. And yet, when a ghost scares the hell out of them for free, they cop an attitude and move out of their house.

    And why is it that ghosts are so camera shy? Why wouldn't a ghost want to be famous? I know they must have an identity problem of sorts seeing as they are like, invisible. I wonder if that is by choice. I would think that it is. I guess their palm pilots and calendar managers didn't make the 'crossing over' to well and they keep missing their appointments with fame.

    Some people don't seem to be to bothered with ghosts. I guess if you are made of the right stuff, you are able to put ghostly apparitions and unusual manifestations in the proper perspective. Obviously, there is no way you could pull a maggot infested piece of chicken out of the fridge and start munching on it before you noticed that something was not right. You had just cooked it last night after all, it couldn't be spoiled already. It must be the ghost.

    I wonder why ghosts can interact with inanimate objects so well and not seem to be able to function normally when it comes to the living. A demon can do that, why can't a ghost? I mean you hear about demons getting it on with humans all the time. A poor ghost has to use inanimate objects to get it on. If they were so inclined to get it on that is...

    Now there's a thought. Do ghosts scare demons? Or visa versa? Are demons more real than ghosts? I can't think of a demon story that I've heard that indicates that demons are friendly in any way, shape or form. So I would rather not run into one myself. And as far as I know, demons are about impossible to get rid of. A ghost wouldn't even seem all that bad in comparison. I think demons can even kill you if they are sufficiently inspired. I know chair stacking is not listed on their resume.

    Still, if a demon chick attacked me and tried to have her way with me, would that be so bad? I would probably never come out of the bedroom. Well, if they would be more civilized afterwards instead of killing you, it might make a difference. And then there is the fact that they have a tendency to turn all ugly and shit right in the middle of it all. A ghost wouldn't do that. Either a ghost is ugly to begin with or it isn't. Demons like to fool you and make you think they are normal at first. A ghost doesn't play with your head like that.

    I understand though that it would be advantageous to own or control a demon. Why else would it be such a popular plot line in so many movies? It would seem the power that it would give an individual is worth the risk even though I have never seen a movie in which a person was successful in harnessing the talents of a demon. More often than not, the demon kills ninety percent of the cast before being driven back into the hole it crawled out of.

    In that sense, ghosts are quite a bit more manageable. You can usually bribe a ghost with the promise of granting him rest from eternal wandering by solving the mystery of his death. Or by uniting his lost soul with his earth bound carcass.

    If you're real lucky, you might get a ghost that wants to help you. Maybe they'll help you find something you lost, or hook you up with someone you want to be hooked up with. It would be better if they could help you win the lottery or something, but unfortunately, I haven't heard of that happening yet. That reminds me of something totally unrelated. If psychics are so clever and can tell of future events, why don't you hear about them winning the lottery all the time?

    Can you imagine a conversation between a ghost and a psychologist?

    Psychologist: "Why must you torture these people?"

    Ghost: "It's my job, it's what I do."

    Psychologist: "Do you know that you are dead?"

    Ghost: "Really? I guess I won't be eligible for the Guinness world record for holding my breath then."

    Psychologist: "Guess not. But if you would let us film you..."

    Ghost: "No, can't do that, the union would have a fit."