The Ineffable

Posted Tue, 09/29/2009 - 11:05 by Michael J Smith

We know it when we see it. Call it poise, sangfroid, the right stuff, moxie, gully, the shiznit. We have a thousand words for it and no words for it. It just is. Even more importantly, we know it when we don’t see it.

 

Perspective

First, let’s acknowledge that Washington’s loss to Detroit doesn’t count any differently than any other loss in the standings. If there’s such a thing as too much perspective, DC HC Jim Zorn’s post-game presser was it. If it’s posted on YouTube it should be tagged with "resignation," "fatalism," and "zero affect." Unlike every other football coach I am familiar with, Jim Zorn does not feel that he needs to yell at grown men. (My boss – and I do not play football – does not share Coach Zorn’s opinion regarding the need to yell at grown men.) I imagine there’s a "swear jar" on the desk in his office. I assume he cuts all the bad plays out of the game film so his players’ fragile egos are left unbruised. Those must be short film sessions.

Washington, having already banked a who-wants-it-less 9-7 win against the hapless Rams, can do no worse than 1-15-0. That dystopian future actually seems plausible, despite an October schedule that opens with Tampa Bay, Carolina, and Kansas City, a combined 0-8-0 heading into the Monday night game. If the Tribute-to-America’s-Indigenous-People lose to the Pewter Pirates next Sunday, Zorn won’t need to worry about being fired, he’d better be wearing Kevlar under the official NFL® team gear pullover.

 

History repeats the old conceits, the glib replies, the same defeats…

A year after the Detroit Lions did the seemingly unthinkable in losing all sixteen games; there appear to be several teams with a real chance to repeat this dubious accomplishment just one year later. The Miami Dolphins, Cleveland Browns, and Tennessee Titans are all 0-3-0 in the AFC. It seems unlikely the Titans will continue losing, but the Browns are just horrible don’t have any identity and they hate their coach. The Dolphins looked like a 7-9-0 team before Pennington went down. We would’ve still penciled them in for a win against the Bills at home next week if it wasn’t Chad Henne’s first start. In the NFC, the St. Louis Rams and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are every bit as horrible as the Browns are in the AFC. All three teams have first-year coaches inheriting significant problems at quarterback. None of them drafted Matthew Stafford or Mark "Rico Suave" Sanchez or went after Jay Cutler, despite the obvious deficiencies at the most important position on the field. The Rams rolled the dice on the increasingly fragile Marc Bulger backed up by Kyle Boller. The Buccaneers started Byron Leftwich before coming to their senses and deciding to start one of their Joshes. (Mamas, don’t name your boy babies Josh unless you want him to grow up to be a backup QB in the NFL.) After a summer spent reviewing expense accounts, Browns HC Eric Mangini decided to put the fate of the franchise in the hands of Braeky Quinderson. Or Derdy Anderquinn. I can’t keep those guys straight, not that it appears to matter. As bad as these teams are, it looks like it may well take a 0-16-0 effort to secure the #1 pick in next year’s draft, which makes that Week 10 matchup between the Dolphins and Buccaneers a game that Sam Bradford, Colt McCoy and Tim Tebow (if Jesus lets him watch TV) will watch with dread and anticipation…

 

Trend lines are positive…

Perhaps we were spoiled by 2007. The Patriots are not yet playing up to the best of their abilities, as my 3rd Grade teacher, Miss Stanic wrote in her unmistakable bold red cursive next to my 3 A’s and 2 B’s. The NWE continue to struggle in the red zone, Laurence Maroney is hurt again and Joey Galloway seems determined to keep the memories of Jabar Gaffney alive. Having said that, this is a game I think Patriots Nation should be enjoying a lot more that we seem to be. Brady’s 200th TD pass, hundred yard games for both Moss and Fred Taylor, no sacks, just two penalties for 10 yards, an almost 2:1 advantage in time of possession, and a stalwart effort from the patchwork defense that held the previously undefeated Atlanta Falcons to just 10 first half points.

I believe the Patriots will continue to improve; Brady will hit Moss on a deep fly, Fred Taylor will help New England stay balanced on offense, and the defense will eventually find a pass rush. I just don’t think all that happens this week against arguably the best team in the NFL, the Baltimore Ravens.

 

Top 10 Teams We Heard Pigskin Pundits and Bobbleheads Talking About…

  1. Baltimore Ravens – The Patriots of 2007 could win 51-28. The Ravens of 2009 look like they could win 49-0.
  2. New York Giants – I suffered a cracked rib just watching the Giants.
  3. Indianapolis Colts – Nothing wrong with P-Money’s knee this year.
  4. New Orleans Saints – Short guys sitting on a couch love to watch short QB’s throw TD passes.
  5. New York Jets – Winning with poise since 2009.
  6. Minnesota Vikings – As long as Favre remains ambulatory.
  7. New England Patriots – As long as Tom Brady stays pissed.
  8. Cincinnati Bengals – Seriously, who had the Bengals in first place in the NFC North at any point in the 2009 season?
  9. Philadelphia Eagles – Am I the only one who thinks the Eagles would be better off junking the Wildcat and just having Kevin Kolb drop back and chuck it?
  10. San Francisco 49ers – Loved Mike Singletary’s post-game dissertation on loss. "Swirl it in the glass. Test its bitter bouquet. Then taste it. Roll it around your palette. Then spit it right in the sommelier’s eye!" Or something like that.

~ September 28, 2009

themike@wavingalien.com