You Humans Are So Silly

I awoke in a darkened room. The walls glowed faintly so it's not like it was pitch black, but my mind was too groggy to readily reject the fact that normal walls don't glow. I simply accepted it. I had more pressing matters that concerned me anyway. Like how I went from a sleeping bag in a tent in the woods to a room with glowing walls...
I sat up on the edge of the bench. It was a bench I guess. It was attached to the glowing wall and lacked anything that resembled padding such as a bed might have. There were two benches in the room, I was on one and someone else was on the other. As I watched, the other person sat up with a gasp.

"Who are you, and why are the walls glowing?" she asked.

"I don't know," I said.

"You don't know who you are?"

"Yes, of course I do, but I don't know why the walls are glowing."

"Well who are you then, and where are we?" she demanded.

"I don't know," I answered.

"I thought you said you knew who you were."

"I do know. Do you always ask two questions at the same time, or is something new you came up with for this special occasion?" I asked.

"Why? Can't your tiny little male brain handle it? I mean this is just simple. Who are you?"

"I'm Matt Briggs, I think."

"Oh, so you don't know who you are after all?"

"Well I also thought I was in the woods, sleeping in a tent, but obviously I'm not. So maybe I'm not Matt Briggs anymore either."

"Well I do know who I am, and I know where I came from. I just want to know where the hell we are!"

"And you are...?"

"Anduar? What's that?"

"And you are a smart ass, Lady. You can just go back to sleep. Maybe if I'm lucky, you'll go back where you came from and they'll pick someone else."

"They? They who?" she asked.

"Even my tiny little male brain has it figured out by now. It's obvious we have been abducted and are on a space ship."

The woman laughed hysterically --- for minutes it seemed --- right up until the point where the alien entered the room. I screamed like a little girl. So did the woman.

It's not that the thing was ugly. It was just, you know, alien looking. It was tall and skinny with gray skin. Its joints were very flexible making it seem to kind of move like a walking snake. I hate snakes. As it walked toward the screaming woman it muttered something unintelligible even as it fiddled with the dial of a box strapped around its abdomen. I had quit screaming and was totally in control other than the fact that I was fighting back the possibility of fright induced coronary failure, hyperventilation and pissing myself.

Just as the alien reached the woman, it seemed to have gotten the box adjusted properly and I could make out what it was saying...

"Do not be afraid you magnificent creature, you will not feel a thing," it said.

She stopped screaming.

"Finally, someone sees me for what I really am," she said.

That was just before I clubbed the alien on the back of its spongy head and it collapsed in a slithery pile on the floor.

I was feeling quite proud of myself, all full of male pride for saving the damsel in distress. But the woman quickly dispelled any thoughts of gratitude I might have envisioned as forthcoming.

"Ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod! You killed it!" she yelled. "Why did you do that! It wasn't going to hurt me! You heard it, why did you..."

"It was going to dissect you, Lady! I just saved your life!"

"You don't know that! It looked gentle enough to me, and it called me magnificent!"

"It also called you a creature. And I'd say it looks more like a snake! Look at it all tangled up on the floor. Looks like a puddle of snakes, don't you think?"

"You idiot! It said I wouldn't feel a thing. Now look what you've done!"

"I didn't hit it that hard, I'm sure it'll be all right. It's sure to have accelerated recuperative powers."

"You're an imbecile! You men always think violence is the answer to everything! What are we going to do now?"

"I don't know about you, Lady, but I'm going to find my way out of this zoo. I have to tell you I'm a bit worried about my well being at the moment. Snake man there didn't seem to enthralled with me, I doubt he would have been quite as gentle as he measured the length of my intestines."

"Quit calling me lady!"

"I use the term loosely."

"My name is Judy Pandra."

"Sounds like something out of a Disney Movie," I said.

"Stuff it, Buba roo!"

So I found the door the alien came through. It was kind of hidden due to the dim lighting and the angles of the walls. Judy reluctantly followed.

As we made our way down the corridor, the same sort of unintelligible sounds kept repeating from an unknown source.

"Shnick dwa! Lack tivo! Shnick dwa, shnick dwa!"

"Hey! I've got an idea," I said. "I'll go back and get the translator thing snake man had. Then we can understand this drivel."

"How do you know the box thing was a translator?" asked Judy.

"All aliens have them, though they're usually carried around the neck. Snake mans neck was probably too spindly and snakey to carry the weight, so it was strapped to where his hips would be, if he has hips. Besides, I read somewhere that they have translators, so that must be what it is."

"Brilliant reasoning, you read it in a science fiction novel, so that makes it so? It could just as easily be a death device of some sort!"

"Death device? You mean like a disintegration beam thing?" I asked.

"Sure, why not?"

"Because it's not, that's why. I'll be right back."

I went and got the translator. It was a translator after all. I figured Judy just didn't read enough of the same material that I did. Disintegrators always looked like guns, always.

The translator worked just fine. We could now understand the incoherent jumble of nonsensical syllables in English.

"Danger, injured pilot! Danger, danger!" the ship said.

"Sounds like Robbie the robot," I said.

"Shut up you fool! Do you know what this means?" asked Judy.

"No, what?"

"It means nobody is flying this thing! We're all going to die!"

"It's only the two of us, Judy. And besides, it can't be all that difficult to fly this thing. Snake man only had three fingers."

"Four. He has four fingers," she said.

"Three, I counted them. I'm good with numbers."

"I counted four. His hands were delicate like a woman's. We notice things like that."

So I went and looked.

"Three on the left, four on the right. We're both right. Anyway, I've had some pilot training, I can figure out how to fly this thing if we can find the bridge."

"What kind of pilot training?"

"I'm a tug boat pilot."

"Oh, you can float a boat, so that automatically makes you capable of piloting an interstellar space craft?"

"What makes you think this thing is an interstellar craft?" I asked.

"Well you don't think this alien lives in the Bermuda Triangle do you?"

"Sure, why not? Let's find the bridge."

"What's that?"

"You know, the control room, the cock pit, the command center, the..."

"Never mind," she said. "Lead the way."

So I did.

We walked for a minute or two and came to a door. I went in and saw snake man lying on the floor. We had gone in a circle.

"Did you see any other doors, Judy?"

"No, but I wasn't looking."

"We're supposed to be looking for the control room! What were you doing?"

"I was following you, Matt! Look, why don't you just ask the ship where the pilot chamber is?"

"I was going to do that next," I lied.

"Sure you were. I know how men hate to ask for directions."

I ignored her and spoke into the translator.

"Ship, where is the bridge?"

There was no answer.

"Ask it where the pilot chamber is." Judy said.

"Nobody calls it a pilot chamber! Ship, where is the control room?"

I was again greeted with silence.

"Maybe the translator is broken," I said.

"No it's not. Ask it where the pilot chamber is!"

"Ship! Where is the... command center?"

Silence.

"Give me that," said Judy, yanking the translator out of my hand. "Excuse me Mr. Ship, could you tell me where the pilot chamber is?"

"Yes, of course!" answered the ship. "But it will do you no good."

Beaten at my own game, I asked meekly, "Why not, Ship?"

"Because you have too many fingers. The pilot controls only accept three and four fingered pilots. So your hand will not fit the controls. Unless you would like to cut a few fingers off..."

"No, no no! I like my fingers, I need my fingers! What about you, Judy? Would you be willing to..."

"Shut up you nit wit! Let me handle this. Ship?"

"How can I help you oh splendid Goddess!"

"You've got to be kidding me..." I said

"Ship, we want to go home, can you help us?"

"Certainly! Simply take the damaged pilot to the healing chamber."

"See, Matt, that's how it's done. Now let's go get the pilot."

So we did this thing. The ship told us how to find the healing chamber and we put snake man in it. The ship informed us it would take a while, and would we like something to eat while we were waiting.

"Yes!" said Judy. "I'm starving!"

"Then just follow the floating light oh one of such vast beauty!"

"Good grief!" I muttered.

We sat at a table in the room we were led to. Food magically appeared in astounding abundance. At least I guess it was food.

"You're not going to eat that stuff, are you?" I asked Judy.

"Why wouldn't I? It may take hours or days for the pilot to heal. We have to eat."

"Yeah but, I mean that looks like boiled worms and fried intestine. You don't know what that stuff will do to you."

"You're such a baby, Matt. Don't you ever watch 'Survivor Man' on TV? This stuff has got to be full of protein, everything that looks this bad is always good for you. You should have some. It's awful, but you gotta eat!"

"I think I'll pass."

She was gobbling the food down like there was no tomorrow. When she was finished, she stuffed some of what was left in her pockets.

"Now that's just not right!" I said.

"Why? You never know when we'll get a chance to eat again. I want something to fall back on, just in case."

Just then the pilot appeared in the doorway. At least I think it was him. All aliens look the same to me.

"I see you have been taken care of during my short absence," it said.

Judy belched and then gagged a bit realizing she needn't have eaten all that nasty stuff after all.

"I'm sorry I hit you," I said

"I understand. Those of negative intelligence are expected to behave in just such a rudimentary manner. It is the captivatingly breathtaking female that interests us."

Judy was beaming with pride of course.

"So why am I here?" I asked.

"Comedic relief, I would say," said Judy.

"We always take two of each species we study, one male, one female. We like to see how they get along. It is obvious you two do not get along. Is this a normal thing?"

"Yes," I said.

"No," she said.

"Look, if you want to study us, why do you sneak around in the dark and abduct people? Why not just contact the government? I'm sure they would let you do what ever you want to us."

"Your government already does anything they want to you. Besides, your people would just kill us like they kill all things they do not understand."

Judy was in tears.

"You poor, poor alien things! You are so misunderstood!"

"Uh, Mr. Alien, sir? I think I should warn you that females of our species are known to be somewhat emotionally unstable the majority of the time. They cry when they're happy, when they're sad, when they're mad..."

"Emotional instability is a dangerous thing."

"Tell me about it," I said.

"Oh, oh! So now I'm unstable hu?" said Judy. "I suppose you think that way because you're a little minded male alien! What makes you so superior?"

"See what I mean?" I said.

"Yes, I see what you mean," he said.

"Well my little quizzical beauty," he said to Judy, "I'll tell you what makes me so superior. It's this little disintegration gun I have right here."

And with a lightning quick, three fingered draw faster than any five fingered I had ever seen, he pulled his blaster and shot Judy into nothingness.

"Ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod! You killed her!"

"Oh of course not you handsome little devil!"

"Hu?"

"I simply sent her back to torture some of your other fellow humans. My, but you're quite the impressive specimen yourself!" said the alien.

"Uh, can I go now? I mean, you could blast me back to where I came from so I can torture something too."

"Quite impressive indeed!"

"Um, actually, I'm feeling a little emotional right now myself. Really. I have to go now."

"If you'll just follow me."

"Where are we going?"

"Why, back to the mating room of course."

"The mating room?" I asked.

"Yes! We have to find you a new mate my little precious!"

"Oh! Well then, I suppose that wouldn't be so bad!"

"Of course not! You didn't think that, I mean you thought you and I were going to... that humans and aliens could..."

"Yes I did."

"You humans are so silly."

"Yes we are that," I agreed.