I think I'll Build A Bridge

     The project: I think I'll build a bridge

     This could be questionable timing (for this piece) due to the recent bridge collapse in Minneapolis, but never-the-less, I am building a bridge.

     Unfortunately, I had no new material handy, and I was broke. Sacrifices had to be made, and the only thing I had laying around I could sacrifice were the old horseshoe pit boxes...

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     You can click on any picture for a larger view. As you can see, these first few photos show the old boxes I had for the horseshoe pits. You see, we're kind of competitive. Well actually we are very competitive, so we have to have boxes to throw shoes into. If they land outside the box, or hit the wood, they are disqualified. I never, ever hit the wood. And don't tell any of the boys I said that.

     I tore the boxes out of the ground a few years ago and saved them thinking I would plant them some other place besides the middle of the back yard. But seeing as we rarely get together and throw shoes any more, I decide to make them the ultimate sacrifice. If I ever do get company again, we'll just pound the stakes in the ground and throw shoes in the grass. That's kind of barbaric but I guess it would do in a pinch.

     If there is anything more fun than building something, it would have to be tearing something apart, as long as it's not like a car engine or something complicated like that. I used to like working on cars until I got a Dodge Caravan. You have to unbolt the damn engine just to change a spark plug. I wonder what kind of dumb ass designed that piece of work.

     (Click pictures to enlarge) I'm actually going to build the bridge out of concrete, kind of, sort of. I need a wood frame to build the concrete around you see, and then I cover the wood with metal lath so the concrete will stick to it. I recently carved a new set of steps into the side of the hill and the bridge will span between the new steps and the existing steps, just below a nice little River Birch tree. I don't have the new steps done yet, they will be concrete as well.

     Sorry I don't have pictures of the building process, or action shots. I am usually covered in cement or sawdust or dripping massive amounts of sweat or covered in slime or filth of some sort, so I daren't touch the camera! I could get a camera man but then I would have to pay him/her. But I'm sure they would sneak in shots of my but crack as I was working just to embarrass me.

     Here's a pic of the bridge covered in metal lath. I added a column at each end of the bridge and one in the middle. I figure eventually the wood will rot away and If I use enough cement in the building process, maybe it will remain standing with a rotted frame. At the very worse, if it does fall apart, I'll use the bridge pieces for an ancient ruins design or something. Maybe partially bury them... I could make it work... click pic to enlarge!

     I rarely do anything that is normal. I mean, why would I do that? Normal is boring. So rather than doing something typical like brick steps or stacked stone, I developed this half assed design where you stuff the concrete into a pvc pipe and pour it out the end like a big pile of vertical poop. Actually, it's mortar mix with a little portland added in for strength and smoothness. I like to think of the design as my 'Flintstone' look. Kind of caveman looking or prehistoric maybe.

     Ok then, my dainty little bridge turned into a massive cement structure that would be more suited for heavy duty use such as leading a herd of elephants across it rather than simple foot traffic. I don't think I have to worry about structure failure any time soon. I feel the bridge columns could have been quite a bit smaller to improve the looks, but it still has appeal in a grandiose sort of way. I'll probably do some strategic planting to partially obscure the huge columns.

     In this picture, (click any pic to enlarge) you can see at the foot of the bridge a stone design that I may continue over the entire surface. It's kind of like fake stone or slate you see all the time in high dollar landscaping for patios, but this costs just pennies per foot rather than the many dollars per foot the real thing would cost. And as far as cracking goes, I am not anal about cracks. Cement cracks. So does wood and just about every other construction material. It gives the project the weathered, old look. In a few years, the bright white cement will take on a much more natural grayish look.

     The cement is still a little green (not cured yet) right now so it is not as white as the existing planters and steps you see in the foreground and off to the left side. I am hoping I can get moss to grow in the seams of the fake slate design to make it more natural looking. I heard you can liquefy moss in your blender and then spray it on a surface to propagate it, but It seems we tried that with no success. I have transplanted plenty of moss with good results though.

     Here's the bottom of the new set of steps I've carved into the hill. I try to keep each step no more than four or five inches in height. In order to do that, you can't go straight up the hill or they will be to steep, so It has to kind of wind or curve back and forth. It adds nicely to the design. Remember, normal is boring, and I am anything but boring... I pile all the extra dirt up on the side at intervals and make planters out of the piles.

     Here I've used one and a half bags of mortar mix. (80 pound bags) Your mix should be stiff enough to easily stuff into the 1 1/2" pvc pipe. The pipe is around 18" long. You can't have the mix to wet or the mortar will simply collapse as you let it slide out of the pipe. You simply stuff the pipe, hold your hand over the end and place it where you want a poop pile. Take your hand away and slowly lift the pipe until you have the poop at the height you want, then repeat. Maybe I'll do an instructional photo essay on this process some time if there is enough interest. It's a little tricky getting used to.

     It helps support the wet mortar if you have it leaning back into the dirt. It also dries faster so you can go on to the next stage. After the mortar sets up a little, you take a brick masons striking tool (simply a flat piece of flexible metal with a handle, around 1/4" wide) and strike or smooth each joint between the piles of poop. Let it set a little longer and then use your filled pvc pipe to lay a horizontal line of mortar on top of the poop piles. Let that set a bit and then flatten them out a little to make it look like a flat stone cap.

     You have to time this all so you can keep working or it will take forever! So as one section was in certain stages of drying, I would start another section. Here is the second section. As it was setting up, I went back to the first section and lightly brushed all the joints with a slightly wet paint brush. If any cracks develop, and I assure you they will, you can obscure them fairly well by cutting a fake seam in the mortar right where the crack is. Brush it a little with a wet brush and it looks like a natural joint instead of a crack.

     This is what three 80 pound bags of mortar and one forty pound bag of portland gets you. Only six steps, but several of them are big ones. When I am done with all the steps, I cover the dirt with pea gravel. It makes a real nice step and the gravel is easy to keep the weeds out of. I use a weed killer usually to keep them at bay. Most of the rest of the steps up to the top of the hill are quite a bit smaller, but I would say I am looking at around ten to fifteen more bags of mortar and around two or three hundred trips up and down the hill. I have got to be out of my mind...

     That's all I have done right now with the new work, but there is much I haven't shown of other things I did in the past few years. It's hard to believe I haven't posted a new photo essay in such a long time. This is the waterfall I built in 2002, the hand holding a tiki torch built in 2004 and the planter in the background built in 2005 can just barely be seen.

     This is a nice planter I made in front of the round patio thing I built in front of the pond. It has a snake thing holding a tiki torch. I started this last fall in 2006 but just finished it this spring. A flat pea gravel path goes around it to the right. I can't get grass to grow for shit in the yard, but I can sure grow cement just fine!

     And the last pic for now, this is the edge of the round patio thing in front of the pond and the round deck. The round deck is covered in another photo essay.Check the menu! So I will be doing the rest of the new steps in the next few weeks, and when I'm finished you can expect a massive photo update with all the new work and the old stuff you haven't seen yet.

     I hope you've been at least moderately entertained. If you have any questions or comments, please drop The Hal a line! Make my day...