I'm The Decider!

It's become blatantly obvious that there's not a single individual on the planet that is capable of running the United States of America in an acceptable manner. Yes, I'm talking about the Presidency of the US. Therefore, I feel there is no other choice than to announce my own candidacy just as soon as I find a good place to hide from the paid assassins whom I'm sure will be hired to put an end to my brilliant campaign strategy...
Just in case some of you visitors are not familiar with me I would like to clear a few things up first. I hate politics. I'm sure I've made that point in other posts I've authored that you may have missed. I know little to nothing about politics and I don't even vote. Say what you like, but once your elected officials take office, they run the show, not the voters. We could go on and on and round and round about this but ultimately you know I'm right. Just ask George Bush, he will tell you, he is the decider, not the voters who put him in office.

Faced with the lowest popularity of any president in American history and the fact that almost 75 percent of the US population are against the Iraq war, he still refuses to admit he is wrong. He refuses to admit that the Iraq war was anything more than a personal vendetta against Saddam Hussein for 'trying to kill his father.'

Anyway, there are many professionals out there who are much better at 'Bush bashing' than I, so I will leave it to them.

Now you may be thinking, surely there must be some candidate who is qualified to rule, I mean run the country as president? I certainly admit there are a bunch of them who could do a better job than Mr. Bush. As a matter of fact, any of them could. All of them could! You all have your favorites. They would all be a better choice than what we have now.

But the problem is most all of them would be beholding to someone for putting them on the throne, the presidency of the United States. Do you really think they would feel any loyalty to the voters? I'll tell you where I think their loyalties would lie though I'm sure you feel your candidate is beyond such trivialities. The two things that I feel rule the presidency are the money people behind the campaign, and thoughts of the eventual presidential legacy.

Don't get mad at me. I hardly expect to convince a single person that my opinion is correct, but it is as valid as anyone else's is. What political nominee wouldn't want to leave behind a glowing, fruitful legacy bursting with grandiose, earth shaking achievements? Of course if some of the candidates plans just happen to coincide with the voters wants and needs, that would be just dandy. But if the candidate has their own agenda it will just as surely supercede any and all other priorities. Like disposing of a dictator who tried to kill your father.

I'm getting riled up now. It happens every time I write about politics.

So what makes me an expert? What do I know about foreign policy? Nothing, but neither does Bush. Global warming? I know a little about that and I care a lot about it, which is a lot more than Bush does. Social security, family health insurance? I don't have a clue about how to fix these things. No one person can possibly have all the answers. Well, I take that back. Bush has all the answers because he is the decider. Trouble is all his answers and decisions are wrong.

I think my campaign platform is so simple that it is brilliant. I'm a simple man so it suits me just fine. Why should I have all the answers? How can anyone have all the right answers that you want to hear? If you are pro life and I am pro choice, that immediately divides us. If I am agnostic and you are a Christian, you would probably rather prostilitize to me than leave me to my beliefs. Once again, we are divided. I say global warming is caused by humans, you say it is a natural occurrence of nature.

This kind of sounds like Democrats against Republicans doesn't it? The rich against the poor, the religious against the non-believers?

Here's what a possible transcript of my future campaign interview might look like...

Reporter 1: Mr. Tenny, if elected president of the United States, how would you solve the health care crisis?

Mr. Tenny: I don't know. How would you do it?

Reporter 1: I'm sorry?

Mr. Tenny: Don't be sorry. Nobody knows how to solve that problem, that's what I'm telling you. I freely admit it. However, if elected I plan on holding a meeting with all the health care professionals that don't have stock in any pharmaceutical or health insurance companies. I feel confident that we can figure it out.

Reporter 2: If elected, how would you address our energy problems?

Mr. Tenny: I don't know, what do you think?

Reporter 2: It doesn't matter what I think, Sir. You are the one running for President.

Mr. Tenny: Ah, but it does matter what you think! That is where this administration would differ from the current Bush administration. Today, with the current leadership, it doesn't matter what anyone thinks but the decider. I, on the other hand, will conduct a meeting with all the pertinent experts and come to a consensus as to how to do what is in the best interest for all human kind.

Reporter 2: But what about the oil companies, Sir?

Mr. Tenny: What about them? They are hardly human and certainly not looking out for what is best for humanity.

Reporter 3: How will you be funding your initiatives Mr. Tenny?

Mr. Tenny: I will be gathering the countries top economists to discuss this of course. But these are not my initiatives, they are the citizens wants and needs. Listen, the United States is the richest most powerful nation on the planet. The current administration has made us one of the most hated nations. I plan on changing that. I think you can figure out the rest of my political platform. I don't plan on running the country. When elected, the citizens of the United States will once again be in control of their destiny. You know the saying, "...for the people, by the people..." or however the hell that goes. Oh, and one other thing, I definitely will find out about all that UFO shit and get back to you on it soon as I can. The truth is out there! See ya all in the big house boys and girls!

End of interview.

Just simple. Elegant but uncomplicated, just the way I like things. Can't we all just get along?