Breakfast with Glenn & Steve – February 25

Interior. Young’s Restaurant. The décor is 80s Industrial. Two friends sit at a booth that features a metal napkin dispenser, a white and black ceramic cow with cream and a red ceramic roofless barn with white, pink and blue packaged sweeteners. The table is covered with large plates covered to the edges with omelets and small plates of sausage links and home fries. The waitress refills their coffee cups and leaves…
When I arrived, Steve and Fred were already seated at a booth.

"Before you say anything," Fred said, "I have a question."

"Okay," I said, as I slid onto the bench next to Steve.

He picked up the ceramic cow creamer. "Does it bother you that the cream comes out of the ceramic cow’s nose?" Fred asked.

"Not at all," I said. "I drink my coffee black."

"Seriously," Fred said, holding the ceramic cow creamer up and tilting his head to look up at its belly and vestigial udder. "It doesn’t bother you at all?"

"Of course not. Milk comes from the cow’s udder, it’s true. But cream—and half and half—actually comes out the cow’s nose. It’s a little known fact. You know. Because it’s kind of gross to think about. People don’t forget. They choose not to remember."

Fred put down the terracotta Holstein. "Cream comes out the cow’s nose," he said.

I nodded.

"He did grow up on a farm," Steve said.

The waitress brought me a menu and a cup of coffee; I waited for Fred to ask the obvious follow up questions—where butter and cheese come from—but he seemed content to sip his coffee as I perused the menu. I ordered the Lumberjack; a short stack of blueberry pancakes, two eggs scrambled, two sausage links, two pieces of bacon, home fries and a side of hash.

"So," I said. I looked at Steve. I looked across at Fred. I looked back at Steve. "Where’s Glenn?" I asked.

"Fred is playing the part of Glenn today," Steve said.

"I suppose we couldn’t afford Nicholson," I said.

"Nicholson? Really?" Fred as Glenn asked hopefully.

"You’d cast Jack Nicholson as Glenn in ’Breakfast with Glenn & Steve: The Movie’?" Steve asked. "Don’t you think that Glenn is more of a Gary Busey?"

"Gary Busey?" Fred as Glenn asked with obvious trepidation.

"I can see the Busey thing," I said to Steve. "I guess I was going with the hairline more than the affect. You know, Nick Nolte might be even better."

"Nick Nolte!" Fred as Glenn said in abject horror.

Steve looked at Fred. "I think Glenn is a little more laid back about these things. Almost indifferent. Zen."

"Thanks. Zen. That’s a great note," Fred as Glenn said. He rolled his head around on his shoulders once to the left and then once to the right. "Just who is this Nick Nolte guy, anyway?"

"That’s better," I said.

"Okay," said Steve, "more importantly, who are we casting as me?"

"Oh, oh," Fred as Glenn said.

"I’m thinking…" Steve said, broadly pantomiming a man deep in thought by laying his finger across his lips.

"Oh, oh," Fred as Glenn said.

"I’m more the Costner type, physically, but in terms of the essential me, I think I’d go with Dennis Quaid," Steve said.

"Perhaps you’re more Bill Paxton than you think," I said.

"Oh, oh," Fred as Glenn said.

I looked at Steve. "He’s really nailing Glenn, don’t you think?"

"Yes," Steve said, slowly, perhaps considering the fate of being immortalized by an actor who once got wasted by the Terminator. "Let’s just put Bill Paxton in the ‘parking lot’ with Costner and Quaid for the moment, okay? Let’s talk about you."

"Oh, oh?" Fred as Glenn asked.

I closed my eyes and crossed my fingers. "Oh please, oh please, oh please," I whispered, "let it be Justin Timberlake!"

"Who?" Fred as Glenn asked.

"I’ve been trying to think, just who is our generation’s Ernest Borgnine, anyway?" Steve said.

"Ouch!" Fred as Glenn said.

"It’s not so bad," I said. "I’m the sidekick on ‘Airwolf.’ And I’m married to Stella Stevens, however briefly. Not to mention commanding a PT boat in ‘McHale’s Navy’. Like who else did that? Just Kennedy, right? He nailed Stella Stevens, too, didn’t he?"

"I’m pretty sure John F. Kennedy was not the only PT boat captain who served in the Pacific during World War II," Fred as Glenn said.

"Right," I said. "Like I just said, there was Quinton McHale, too."

"What I mean is, Kennedy commanded PT-109, right?" Fred as Glenn asked. "109? It stands to reason there were PT boats 1 through 108 as well."

"Whatever. The point is Ernest Borgnine is practically John F. Kennedy," I said.

"The question remains," Steve said, "who is our generation’s Ernest Borgnine?"

"Ernest Borgnine?" Fred as Glenn asked.

"Close," said Steve, "but he’s no longer the first face that pops into my mind when I think, ‘Dominic Santini’."

"Then who is?" Fred as Glenn asked.

"You know, I don’t think the problem is casting Dominic Santini in the long overdue remake of ‘Airwolf’," I said. "A couple of years from now, Michael Chiklis and James Gandolfini are both looking for jobs. No, the problem will be casting Stringfellow Hawke. Besides. I think we’re missing the most obvious choice, here."

"Okay," Fred as Glenn said. "Who?"

"Tom Arnold," I said.

"Tom Arnold!" Steve said. "Of course! He played Quinton McHale, just like Ernest Borgnine! The parallels are almost eerie."

"That’s just one parallel," Fred as Glenn said. "You said parallels."

"It’s still eerie," Steve said.

"So, we’re pitching Nolte, Costner/Quaid/Paxton, and Tom Arnold," I said. "Who do we want to direct?"

"Not Martin Scorsese," Fred as Glenn said. "I may be a fictional character playing another fictional character, but I’d prefer not getting killed execution style."

"It doesn’t really seem like a ’Breakfast with Glenn & Steve: The Movie’ kind of ending, does it?" Steve said.

The waitress returned to our table. I noticed for the first time the wisp of a mustache and the heavily muscled forearms as she reached into her apron pocket and pulled out something sleek and black…

"Thanks, guys," she said as she left the check.
~February 25, 2006

A message from the Producers of Breakfast with Glenn and Steve…
There is no truth to the rumor that Glenn is holding out for more money following his Golden Globe’s nomination for Best Supporting Actor in a Movie, TV Series, Made for Cable Movie, or Recurring Feature on a Web Site, or that we are considering replacing Glenn with Tom Arnold. His published claims that we have made an offer through his agent are utterly false, actionable, and a pathetic ploy for publicity. As to the reports that Glenn is the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s baby, our lawyers have advised against comment.

As for his "absence" in this week’s issue, Fred as Glenn was actually played by Glenn wearing a Fred mask!

We just love a good "Scooby Doo" ending.